soapwench: (elvis)
This song has been rolling around in my head since the weekend:

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark.
The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all.
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,
(Your gonna wish you, never had met me)
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat.
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)


It takes me a long time to process the hurt and angry feelings that leave me breathless. I wish it didn't, but it does. I started thinking about it more on the way home today; both my hurt feelings and the breathlessness of the wounds.

I think that I have come to a place where I don't believe that it's the scars from love that leave me breathless in the deep hurt. It's the scars from not-love; when love isn't really there, only the illusion, when someone says they love but they don't act it or possibly even feel it.

I've been in two long-term relationships where I believe that the other person stopped ACTING their love for me long before their body turned and walked away. I think that's the shit that leaves me gasping on the ground and drowning in tears. Did either of these people still FEEL love for me? Did they love me? Maybe. Perhaps. Possibly. It's hard for me to say because my trust is so fucked up and broken. I see them now acting in a way that reflects caring, at the very least and possibly love.

And I'm not trying to put anyone on the spot or point fingers and take someone else's inventory. The only way I know how to write about this is from my own perspective. I've done it too. I believe that there have been relationships where even while I felt love, I stopped acting it out. I think, for me, it's because I didn't process and heal the little things along the way. The love got buried deep underneath the baggage and wounded parts of me. I forgot to bring myself back to the love. I forgot to act it. And soon, I didn't know how to get back to it. And possibly that's what happened to other people who did the same to me. If I presume good intentions, than I can believe that. This is me trying to presume.

And yes, people who deeply love us in their clean truth can hurt us. Anyone who has ever had children knows this. But I think those are clean cuts that heal. There's someone in my life whom I love endlessly and whom I believe loves me as much as he can. He's hurt me. And it stings, possibly more deeply than the wounds from someone who didn't act out of love, but it also heals faster. I'm willing to try and trust. Not that I'm very good at it, but I become willing to take a risk.

Maybe.

I don't really have any answers, just lots of questions. But the more I look and work, the more I believe that if we come back to the Love, if we stop and ACT the Love, we spare ourselves and others the scars that leave us breathless.

quotes

Jul. 6th, 2011 07:16 pm
soapwench: (elvis)
...from "In Plain Sight," one of my new favorite television shows because I relate to the main character in many ways...

“I get that you don’t like messy, but maybe messy is what you need. Maybe instead of just anyone you should be looking for someone; someone who challenges you, who calls you on your BS and gets in your face and makes you think….” (Marshall)

“I am what many would call, often as accusation, a non-believer. It’s a charge I consider unfair, because all of us, no matter the connection we feel, or don’t, when sitting under the stars or feeling the world closing in, doing what comes naturally or re-arranging the furniture…all of us believe in something. I believe in many things. I believe in first impressions and second chances, for strippers, priests and hopeless, hapless sisters. I believe in telling the truth to people you love at every possible turn and lying just a little at what seems the appropriate time. I believe in finding people you’d run through a brick wall for and making sure they know it, if in not so many words, but mostly, I believe in justice. Sweet, straight justice.” (Mary)

today

Jun. 27th, 2011 08:53 pm
soapwench: (Default)
trying to blog more...

...made it to the gym parking lot...

...made it into the gym...

...made it out of the bathroom and onto the treadmill...

...made it on to the elliptical...

...sweat happened...success!



I've gotten lazy in the last few weeks, between being sick and trying out a new schedule and now default.html being broken. I feel...(trying to think of a discriptor that doesn't include the word Cow in in)...inertia? cumbersome? I don't know. I feel better when I move, but it's like the last three years of gym faithfulness have melted away in the blink of an eye and I'm frustrated at how difficult it is to get back into the 'swing' of things. I texted default.html my progress so that I could help motivate myself. I miss my gym partner, though it was fun going with Scooby Doo. We were largely slackers, but we made it and it was fun being together.

I totally had a brain shut-down and gave him a driving lesson in the open parking lot afterwards. I'm not sure I would call it a screaming success. He made all the rookie mistakes of slamming down on the gas and then the breaks resulting in zooming rapidly toward the windshield at high speeds. What concerns me more is his sheer joy in the rapid movement. Not surprising in a kid with sensory processing issues, but how in da hell do I teach him to be careful? **sigh** Aunt Clara need to put some coffee on and let the gerbils out for this one.

I've been feeling a bit unproductive for awhile now. Okay, I've been feeling like a ragingly huge slacker. I realized over the weekend when default.html and I were talking that part of the influence to my inability to get things done is that I don't have free time during the week. Gym-FamilyFunNight-GymandYouthGroup-DateNight-GymandKidWrangling. Seriously. WTF. Tonight I tried to get to the gym early and get home early. I wasn't so successful at that, but since default.html is combing his shrinking and massaging sessions with W tonight, I got home and have some Time To Think. Hence blogging. This feels good. Okay, now for shower, food and maybe productivity.

I'm grateful for time with my son today.
soapwench: (Default)
I have to write a short article for our company newsletter with helpful QuickBooks tips and realized in trying to write it that I don't really know what people struggle with in QuickBooks. Any thoughts?
soapwench: (waayt!  hugz befo u go?)
For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry
For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why
And my oh my
For that
I thank you

For taking in the sun when I feel so cold
For giving me a child when my body is old
And don't you know
For that I need you

For coming to my room when you know I'm alone
For finding me a highway, for driving me home
And you got to know
For that
I serve you

For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall
For revving me up when I'm starting to stall
And all in all
For that
I want you

For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for my future in the days that remain
Oh Lord
For that
I hold you
Ah, but most of all
For crying out loud
For that
I love you


soapwench: (cartoon stef sad)
We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right

If I'd known what to say

soapwench: (Default)
Only love
Can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love
Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Laying in the fields.

Love, Reign o'er me
Love, Reign o'er me, rain on me

Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high

Love Reign O'er me

On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain
I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The night is hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain

It seems to be a Who day.  Anyway, this song speaks to me today.  Not sure why.  I'm grateful for love and for April Fool's Do-Overs.

soapwench: (feeling dragon-ish)
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird...I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me


from Superman by Five for Fighting (the actual song is a little musACK, but i like this bit of the lyrics)

soapwench: (Default)

I've been called ridiculous and looney and all sorts of other extreme qualities by a couple of people recently.  I can embrace that.  I'm okay with being extreme.  Everything in the Universe seeks balance.

This is what is written on Aunt Clara's chalk board right now...

Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I've listened to preachers
I've listened to fools

I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train


apology

Mar. 1st, 2010 12:08 pm
soapwench: (Oh the Drama)

For anyone out there who happened to catch my angry, and HIGHLY private blog addressed to Richard a few days ago (last Tuesday I believe), it was originally written and marked "for Richard's eyes only."  A day or two after it was written, I decided to change it to Private, but through a slip of the mouse wheel or some other technical mishap, it was made Public instead.  My personal, private feelings were laid bare for public scrutiny and commentary. 

For those who read what I wrote, realized that I was hurt and angry and ignored it, thank you.  I appreciate your compassion.

For those who are outraged and horrified on Richard's behalf, I sincerely apologize for making my anger with him public. 


zip car

Jan. 5th, 2009 09:06 am
soapwench: (Default)
Isn't this cool!  Wow!!  I wish I could do this.


soapwench: (swatting at a clue)

The Invitation

 

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.


It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

--Oriah
soapwench: (Perspective)
"I refuse to become so attached to my struggle...that I won't want to move on to something else when, and if, the time comes--or, worse, that I'll try to prolong the conflict rather than adapt to whatever happens next."

"Brisinger" by Christopher Paolini

reflection

Jul. 7th, 2008 07:19 am
soapwench: (cartoon stef)
the pieces in my hand
of the mirror
you held to my face
clutch them tightly
fragments cutting deep
looking at my broken reflection 
soapwench: (Default)
 Here are all the details.

Fuzz is broadcasting tonight.  You should listen.
soapwench: (Default)
 Way thought provoking from The Ferrett.

One Wonders.
soapwench: (Default)
This is Lynn's and my Fun list for this year:

Rent a cabin in November (closed invitation, already in planning stages)
Mutter Museum
Philadelphia's Chinese New Year (yes, we know it's passed, this is for next year)
Mummer's Parade on New Year's Day
NYC (Nothing in particular)
Daniel Boone Homestead
Hope Lodge in Ft. Washington
Maryland Rennaisance Festival
 (yes, the garb won't be authentic, but I can still go and kilt check)
Spoutwood Farms Fairie Festival the first weekend in May
Philadelphia Museum of Art Freida exhibit
Franklin Institute
 specifically the Star Wars exhibit which is here until May 4th
 
I also want to discover more local bands and take ballroom dance lessons.  Again.

If you want to join us for any of these, post a comment or let me know somehow.

movies

Dec. 22nd, 2007 01:36 am
soapwench: (Default)
Tonight, the universe spoke to me in movies.  Sometimes it speaks to me in books or blogs or other bits of brilliance.  Tonight the Lord and Lady spoke to me in movie.
soapwench: (Default)
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