soapwench: (elvis)
[personal profile] soapwench
This song has been rolling around in my head since the weekend:

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark.
The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all.
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,

We could have had it all,
(Your gonna wish you, never had met me)
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat.
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)


It takes me a long time to process the hurt and angry feelings that leave me breathless. I wish it didn't, but it does. I started thinking about it more on the way home today; both my hurt feelings and the breathlessness of the wounds.

I think that I have come to a place where I don't believe that it's the scars from love that leave me breathless in the deep hurt. It's the scars from not-love; when love isn't really there, only the illusion, when someone says they love but they don't act it or possibly even feel it.

I've been in two long-term relationships where I believe that the other person stopped ACTING their love for me long before their body turned and walked away. I think that's the shit that leaves me gasping on the ground and drowning in tears. Did either of these people still FEEL love for me? Did they love me? Maybe. Perhaps. Possibly. It's hard for me to say because my trust is so fucked up and broken. I see them now acting in a way that reflects caring, at the very least and possibly love.

And I'm not trying to put anyone on the spot or point fingers and take someone else's inventory. The only way I know how to write about this is from my own perspective. I've done it too. I believe that there have been relationships where even while I felt love, I stopped acting it out. I think, for me, it's because I didn't process and heal the little things along the way. The love got buried deep underneath the baggage and wounded parts of me. I forgot to bring myself back to the love. I forgot to act it. And soon, I didn't know how to get back to it. And possibly that's what happened to other people who did the same to me. If I presume good intentions, than I can believe that. This is me trying to presume.

And yes, people who deeply love us in their clean truth can hurt us. Anyone who has ever had children knows this. But I think those are clean cuts that heal. There's someone in my life whom I love endlessly and whom I believe loves me as much as he can. He's hurt me. And it stings, possibly more deeply than the wounds from someone who didn't act out of love, but it also heals faster. I'm willing to try and trust. Not that I'm very good at it, but I become willing to take a risk.

Maybe.

I don't really have any answers, just lots of questions. But the more I look and work, the more I believe that if we come back to the Love, if we stop and ACT the Love, we spare ourselves and others the scars that leave us breathless.
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soapwench

October 2013

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