friendship
Nov. 29th, 2005 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soapwenchhow do you know if someone is a friend? do a few shared remarks make you friends? how much of yourself do you need to open up to be and have a friend? does being on the internet with someone make you friends? if you email with someone every single day, are you friends? they only see an aspect of you. one part of you. then how do you know if they're your friend? how do you know if someone is your best friend? can you ask them? if you do and they say no, then you feel stupid. if you do ask and they say yes, how do you know that you mean the same thing?
i'm asking all these questions of myself because i don't really know if i know the answers anymore. i find myself telling stories about things that have happened to me and saying, 'my friend...,' but if the sh^t really hit the fan and i really needed someone...like i was in the process of trying to figure out how the f#ck to fix my marriage, there isn't anyone to talk to. and i'm not saying this on a big pitty potty. either i don't open up to people, or i don't know how. i feel friendly, but i don't feel friendship with almost anyone and that makes me question the nature of friendship as it is defined by our culture, or rather as i define it in my life and try to relate to our culture.
i think friend, in our society, is a loose term we use for someone you don't want to take a baseball bat to. i had one of those as an assistant coach on my soccer team. i sucked it up and left the bat at home. did she ever think we were friends? i doubt it. but what if she did? what if i was so good at hiding how much i wanted a louisville slugger, that she is thinking of sending me a christmas card, because now i am her friend.
i thought about this at work today. i don't make an effort to be friends with anyone where i work. so i don't talk to them and they don't talk to me. i'm clear with them that i am not letting them into my life. and sometimes it's lonely, but most of the times it's honest. and most of the reasons i don't like them are petty and mean spirited and the dalai lama would never hold onto all this negativity like i do, but i don't have to like these people, so i don't care. they wouldn't like the real me if i ever let her out to play anyway.
i've had friends throw away what i perceived to be a deep and meaningful friendship of years because they weren't comfortable with how i told them i was mad about something that turned out to be a big misunderstanding later. i learned a lot about forgiveness then and really started to question the value of friendship. i think i really started to question friendship then. maybe it was before then. i don't know, but i don't know what weight and value and boundaries and texture and feel it has anymore.
i'm asking all these questions of myself because i don't really know if i know the answers anymore. i find myself telling stories about things that have happened to me and saying, 'my friend...,' but if the sh^t really hit the fan and i really needed someone...like i was in the process of trying to figure out how the f#ck to fix my marriage, there isn't anyone to talk to. and i'm not saying this on a big pitty potty. either i don't open up to people, or i don't know how. i feel friendly, but i don't feel friendship with almost anyone and that makes me question the nature of friendship as it is defined by our culture, or rather as i define it in my life and try to relate to our culture.
i think friend, in our society, is a loose term we use for someone you don't want to take a baseball bat to. i had one of those as an assistant coach on my soccer team. i sucked it up and left the bat at home. did she ever think we were friends? i doubt it. but what if she did? what if i was so good at hiding how much i wanted a louisville slugger, that she is thinking of sending me a christmas card, because now i am her friend.
i thought about this at work today. i don't make an effort to be friends with anyone where i work. so i don't talk to them and they don't talk to me. i'm clear with them that i am not letting them into my life. and sometimes it's lonely, but most of the times it's honest. and most of the reasons i don't like them are petty and mean spirited and the dalai lama would never hold onto all this negativity like i do, but i don't have to like these people, so i don't care. they wouldn't like the real me if i ever let her out to play anyway.
i've had friends throw away what i perceived to be a deep and meaningful friendship of years because they weren't comfortable with how i told them i was mad about something that turned out to be a big misunderstanding later. i learned a lot about forgiveness then and really started to question the value of friendship. i think i really started to question friendship then. maybe it was before then. i don't know, but i don't know what weight and value and boundaries and texture and feel it has anymore.
